Clean Humor - Hope it's ok

[vgarci]

Came across the following funny airline humor. Hope it's ok to share.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Charlie]

:lol:

[dave]

i laughed out loud. am going to show my wife this.

speaking of humor, has anyone noticed any humor in cbsrmt shows?
i noticed in Ordeal by Fire the first guy we meet who has burns on his legs and is in a wheelchair , his name is Timmy Burns.
in Yesterday's Giant the greedy guy is trapped in the cave and the not greedy guy has drilled holes in the rock and says he is about to push bannanas into the cave. the greedy guy says ' i'm not hungry'


also did anyone notice any bloopers?
in Fankenstein Revisited the director says he was at Frankenstein's castle after ww1 and later he says 30 years ago. obviously he should have said ww2.

[vgarci]

I just caught a blooper in E.G. Marshall's comments during this week's show of the week. See my comments in the Secret Chamber dialogue for an explanation. Glad you liked the airline comments. I laughed when I read them but no one else seems to have seen the humor.

[wtmsr]

:lol:

[lorimae]

hey vince !!! don't worry.... i got the humor--- i luv that kind of stuff!!! :lol:

[lorimae]

got any clean blonde jokes ???? it's ok..... i am a blonde and the first to tell one!! they are so dumb sometimes {the jokes} that it cracks me up !! :lol: lori

[wtmsr]

Only a blonde would make that clarification (or need to) smile.gif

My oldest daughter (12 yr) is the one all the blonde jokes are based on. To see and hear her, you would never suspect that she is in the gifted program.

She loves and knows all of the (clean) blonde jokes.

[vgarci]

Lorimae,
I'll send you a couple of lawyer jokes, directly, so as not to offend anyone.

[brian1984_2001]

Vince, since you're an engineer, try this one on for size?

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer from an introverted engineer?

A: An extroverted engineer will look at YOUR shoes when he talks to you.

Our airport director is an engineer (with an MBA) and he told me that one. The workings of an engineer's mind never cease to amaze me. My two dearest friends are both engineers, and sometimes they scare me smile.gif

[vgarci]

LOL!!! Great one, Brian! I hadn't heard that one before and it hits pretty darn close to home! ;)

[dave]

vince,

i didn't think it was possible to offend a lawyer.

if you've got the time you could drop the lawyer jokes to me.

[Fizzlestix]

Funny, funny stuff!!! Loved the airline humor!!
Here's my contribution:

A lonely frog telephones the Psychic Friends Network and asks what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you!"

The frog is overjoyed!

"This is great!" he croaks, "Am I going to meet her at a party?"

"No," says the Psychic, "in a biology class."

[storytellermommy]

Too funny. I think I like the taking the hammer away one best. LOL.

[vgarci]

Fizz,
Somehow I missed your offering until Karen brought attention to the thread. Great joke!

[wtmsr]

Here’s one that you get your favorite penny pincher with:

There was a salesman demonstrating an orange juicer that he was selling. He put an orange into the juicer and after a few seconds, he had a glass full of orange juice and a bowl full of dry mashed pulp. He told the crowd that if anyone could squeeze juice from the pulp, he would pay them $100 per drop. Several people tried and no matter how hard they squeezed, nothing would come from the dry pulp. About that time, smallish young lady raised her hand and ask if she could try. The audience chuckled but the salesman said to come on up and give it a go. She squeezed and squeezed and ended up getting 26 drops of juice from the dry pulp. The salesman amazed at the display, asked the person who she was and what she did for a living. The lady replied “I am the CFO for my company”.

I told this to the CFO here and after a second or so, she got it and (thankfully) laughed.

[Charlie]

I'm not sure I get it.

Charlie

[wtmsr]

It does work better if you can hear it.

Sorry, I'll try better next time.

[vgarci]

Here's a joke for the geeks in the crowd.

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

[Charlie]

Haha... that one I get. 10100010

Charlie

[storytellermommy]

LOL, that's funny. I'll have to tell that to my dad & brother who are computer people. It's been years since I took some programming classes but I remember being fascinated that 1 and 0 are what it all boils down to.

[vgarci]

Charlie and Karen,
I'm glad you liked the binary joke but now you've only encouraged me.

Q. Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A. Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

[storytellermommy]

LOL, okay I think it must be hilarious except I need a translation on this one. The basic binary was easier to tackle than this one. It's been years. Please explain this new joke so I can get a good laugh and impress my programming brother with my "knowledge." ;) :lol:

[vgarci]

Karen,
The number 31 in base 8 (Oct) is the same as the number 25 in base 10 (Dec). Try it on your computer's calculater. Assuming you have a WinXP machine (it's similar on other operating systems), select:
START | PROGRAMS | ACCESSORIES | CALCULATOR
Once the calculator is up, select:
VIEW | SCIENTIFIC
Now, type in 25 in Decimal and convert it to OCT by pressing on the OCT button.

Presto: OCT 31 = DEC 25 !!

[Charlie]

Where's the Tylenol?

Charlie

[storytellermommy]

LOL, yup my calculator has that function. How do people come up with these things, Vince? Way more brain power than I have firing. ;)

[vgarci]

Ok, the sad thing is I still know how to do the conversions. And I'll confess that the nerd in me decided to write a process, for your reading enjoyment, to convert any number in any base system. After a few hours I realized no one would/could possibly care to know how to do this (actually, my daughter groaned when I mentioned that I had explained the process). Dave's message, below, indicates that he was an unfortunate victim of my explanation.

[dave]

that's more than i needed before i go to bed. you're going to give me nightmares.
i think i actually understood that.
i must be slap happy or sleeptyping.

hey
do you know this one?
three men have to stay over night at a hotel. the don't have a lot of money so decide to share a room. the manager is out so his helper rents the room to them. he says it's twelve dollars. each man pays four dollars and goes to bed. in the morning the manager tells his helper to give back two dollars because the room only cost ten . how did he divide the money equally between the three men?

[storytellermommy]

Vince, you are a riot. smile.gif Hey, you never know when someone will be forced to make those conversions against their will and need to know how. :lol: Was the conversion process in the post and then edited out? I think it might be more than my only semi-programmer type brain can handle. I was the Queen of the Endless Loop when I wrote programs. They started out sounding logical but would take a turn for the worst along the line. :lol:

Dave, you've got me stumped. No clue on how to do it but then again, "word problems" never seemed to come naturally to me. I'd say use the extra $2 as a tip and be even at $4 each. :lol:

[vgarci]

Karen,
Yes, I posted a lengthy explanation (complete with examples, no less) of the process and felt pretty good about it until I told my daughter. She said those magical words that woke me from my mathematical dream, "Oh, dad". Oh, and though I really do enjoy math I must say I do not want to live in a world of indentured "binary-to-decimal" servitude! ;)

Dave,
Unfortunately, I'll have to bow out of the quiz as I've seen the problem and its solution before.

[quote:16adf79179]Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? - Jack Handey[/quote:16adf79179]

[merfalen]

A panda walks into a restaraunt and sits down. The waitress comes and takes the panda's order and shortly after that she brings the panda's food out to the panda's table. After the panda eats its meal the waitress walks over to the panda's table and the panda shoots the waitress and walks out of the establishment. The owner of the restaraunt is furious and chases the panda down the street where he asks, "Why did you shoot that waitress?" and the panda replies, "Hey I'm a panda. Go look it up in the dictionary." The puzzled restaurant owner walks away and sure enough as soon as he returns to the restaurant he pulls out a dictionary. He looks up panda and the definition is: Panda-eats shoots and leaves.


nyuck nyuck nyuck smile.gif


joseph

[Fizzlestix]

Funny joke! In fact, this is actually the entire basis of a book of punctuation rules:

[color=#333366:467258c318]Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
[size=11:467258c318]by Lynne Truss[/size:467258c318][/color:467258c318]

Here's another joke, but you'll have to think about it to get it:

The first guy walks into a bar.
The second guy ducks.

[merfalen]

Well it was late and I was tired hehehe

That joke you sent was geat hehehe!!!

joseph

[vgarci]

Joseph and Fizz,
I just heard this joke earlier this week when the "Eats, shoots, and leaves" book was discussed on NPR. Anyone catch the discussion?

[wtmsr]

Oh, my puter's been down too long! I am glad that I came back in here and read the last few jokes. I will contribute one that I heard today:

Two detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

[vgarci]

LOL. Good one. I'll have to pass it along to my dad who is a golf fanatic.

[Christian]

I always disliked flying... Now I know why ;)